Sleepless Night

Looks like tonight is another sleepless night and it has nothing to do with my beautiful baby girl who is an excellent sleeper.  I woke up a few minutes ago after having an extremely good and extremely bad dream all in one.

I have been having a really hard time feeding my daughter lately because if I try to give her a bottle when she is awake, she just plays with the nipple and drools out her formula (which is a mommy-shaming topic I will save for another time.). Some people have said she's teething, some have said that she is advanced and is just ready for real food, and a couple people have said that it's something I am doing.  Neither my husband not our pediatrician think that it is my fault (though I was told that my going back to work may be partially to blame - another topic for later.)

In addition to the feeding issues, I have experienced a couple of bouts with back pain equivalent to what I experienced during labor which is possibly attributable to the Mirena I had put in a little over a month ago.  I did it for my husband's sake, but he has yet to benefit since it is still waging war on my body, trying to establish it's territory.

On top of all of this, I am dealing with the aftermath of the previously mentioned family friend's actions and feeling like I have no family because this person is checking out and my dad is far too occupied with a woman he met at the casino whom I fear is trying to take advantage of him.  He doesn't come around much anymore, and when he does he is always in a hurry to go meet up with his newfound friend.

So tonight I dreamt that our daughter was once again having a difficult time eating so I decided to try something new.  I pulled the nipple out of the bottle but it tore and before I could get up to get a new one, our baby girl got up on her hands and knees and crawled across the room.  I called to my husband to come and look and when he did, our little girl appeared to grow instantly and got up and walked across the room.  I decided to hurry and run to get a new nipple before I missed anything else. I opened the door to go to the kitchen and instead found myself in the bathroom.  I looked over to the bathtub and saw my mom with her head tilted back under the water and her eyes closed.  I pulled her out of the tub and she was cold and lifeless.  I tried doing chest compressions and got some water to come out, but she was still lifeless.  I screamed and screamed for my dad, but he didn't come.  This is when I woke up.

I think that with everything that is going on - raising a beautiful daughter without her here to offer advice; losing friends because of how I choose to parent; and watching my dad drift further and further away - I feel like I'm losing my mom all over again.  I miss her every day and it tears me apart that she never got to have a grandchild of her own (blood related) while she was still with us.  I know she would have been such a huge part of my baby girl's life that my heart also hurts not just for what I am missing, but for what my precious daughter is missing.

Praying now that putting this all into writing will help it get out of my mind for a little while so that I might get some sleep.